b/f and porn

[dreamer06]

I've been dating this guy for almost a year and a half, we're crazy about each other and currently living together, and as soon as we finish college we plan on getting married. We've never even had a single argument big or small. He's one of the best guys I've ever known, very nice guy and he treats me like a queen. I've actually never even had anything about him that bothered me in the slightest until recently, and thats porn.

I knew he used to look at it sometimes but I didn't think he did anymore. Not long ago we ended up getting into a conversation about guys and porn and he was talking about how he hadn't even look at porn in months. And even times before that he's always said how he isn't really a big fan of it because he doesn't like girls who sleep with multiple people in short amounts of time. And with us living together I'm with him every day and we always either have sex or I help him out in some other way. So I never even really considered him looking at porn.

Well last week my computer was being fixed so I had to use his. Every time I would go to type a URL in the address bar a list of websites would pop up that begin with that letter that had been viewed on that computer, and I noticed that a big majority of them were porn sites. I commented on it, and he was like oh those are old, I just havent cleared the history in a long time, and once again said he hadnt looked at porn in months. Then he was like "oh unless it was pic hunter, that was from this morning" and I guess b/c I didnt say anything right away he decided to add in the remark that he was just kidding. Well I noticed there was a site on there called cliphunter so I was like hmmm... just kidding? There were a ton of porn sites on there from that week alone.. I didn't mention anything at the time, I just let it go for the moment.

Well then a few days later somehow we got onto the topic of porn again and I said something about him watching it and he again denied looking at any for months, so I told him that I saw it in his history so he could stop hiding it. So finally he admitted it and said the reason he'd be lying was because he knew that I would be really upset about it because he knows how I feel about the subject. Which that just makes it worse, anyone lying to me about anything makes me even more upset than if they'd just told me the straight up truth. And especially someone not just lying, but simply telling me what they think I WANT to hear. When I found out the one day last year, he didn't even try to hide it, and it didn't bother me nearly as much as it is now. It only did for like a day or two and then I was able to push it out of my mind and forget about it. But thats not working this time. I think part of thats due to the fact that for some reason last year I thought he was only looking at it on a very occasional basis, but that it seems like this year it's an every day thing, and that bugs me. I could pretty much understand him looking at it if like we hadn't seen each other in a long time so he'd gotten no actual sexual interaction. That would be understandable. But it just insults me that we are together everyday since we are living together and yet he still wants to look at porn at all the time.

So then I tried explaining to him the reasons why the idea of him jacking off to porn bothers me so much. I know some people are bothered by their boyfriend just masturbating in general. But I have no problem at all with that because that's a completely normal thing that most people do. And I know that masturbation is a completely different feeling from partnered sex. I just hate the idea of him masturbating while looking at other naked women, not to mention women who are made to look so flawless and beautiful, which of course like most women I don't look like that and probably never will. And all he watches is lesbian porn so its not even just one girl at a time. It also makes me feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm not enough to satisfy him so he has to turn to looking at other girls.

When we talked about it the other night he said that's not it at all. He said that the reason he watches porn is because he has to so that he can concentrate and function right during the day. He says when he doesn't get off, he can't focus on anything and can't concentrate. For example, he can't even fall asleep at night unless he gets off first, even if I'm lying there too tired to help him out, he just jacks himself off quick so he can go to sleep. He's one of those people who is horny pretty much 24/7. He says thats because he naturally has so much excess testosterone in his body, which is true.

So he told me thats why he looks at porn, so that he can function. And he says that whenever he does look at porn he's not really looking at the other girls, that he's thinking about me. Because as he tells me and everyone else who will listen I am the perfect girl, and everything that he wants. At this point in the conversation he seemed like he was almost in tears. He said that he didn't like admitting that he thinks of me while watching porn because its really embarassing. And that he hated admitting that he watches porn at all because thats really embarassing too, according to him he doesn't WANT to watch it. He just has to get off so he can make it through the day. Him lying to me for so long about watching porn makes me wonder if he's lying to me about this stuff too, just trying to make me happy. Thinking about me while watching hott naked chicks? Yeah right, that's hard to believe.. And if he was really thinking of me why would he need the porn in the first place, he'd be able to just jack off to those thoughts and be done with it. But he doesn't. And if he really didn't want to watch it like he says, then he would stop right? But he keeps watching it so that must mean that he actually wants to. .

He doesn't seem to understand why him getting off to porn bothers me so much, but yet in a way he's almost as bad. If we're watching a movie and I think an actor in it is good looking, he gets upset, because he says it makes him feel inadequate because he knows he will never look like them. So basically he's getting mad when I think an actor in a movie is good looking, although the actor is FULLY CLOTHED and I'm NOT getting sexual pleasure out of it. But yet it's perfectly okay for him to look at naked women and masturbate while watching them?
I just don't understand it. I don't get how he can't function without getting off. It seems to me more like it's just something he does when he's just sitting around with no real obligation to attend to. Because there are a few days when he doesn't watch porn and jack off, and he seems to function just fine. I've heard some people describing porn addiction, and how people watch it often just because thats what theyre used to, and like any other habit it can be addictive and they don't want to stop, so I've begun to wonder if that could be a factor. I just wish he would find another habit to keep himself occupied that didn't make me feel so bad. He says that I'm everything he wants and needs, which I never doubted before, but now sometimes I start to wonder if maybe he really does want more, something he's not getting from me, and that's why he turns to porn. I mean, every now and again I used to look at porn for the guys, but that was before. Once I met him all other desires faded away. Because I love him, he is all I want and need, and he is enough to satisfy me. Whereas, I feel like I'm not enough. After reading a few things, in a way I can understand it as being nothing big, and not a big deal, but at the same time I'm having a really hard time trying to rationalize it in my head because I feel so betrayed. I have no idea what to do. I just know that I can't go on like this because it really bothers me. I know it would be crazy of me to ask him to stop watching porn, I don't know of any guy that would be willing to do that, and I just don't know how to deal with the fact that he does, and has been lying about it for so long. His dishonesty is one of the things that gets to me the most. For the moment I've having a hard time even doing anything sexual with him now without thinking about him masturbating to porn chicks, and that doesn't exactly put someone in the greatest mood for being with their partner. I really do love him, and I don't want something like porn to affect our relationship in any way, because in every other way he's perfect and everything I want in a guy. So I would appreciate any advice.

[RockerGuy]

Wow, there are many points to touch on...

First, I think you're slightly over-reacting. Looking at these girls doesn't mean you're not enough and doesn't mean he's not thinking about you. Sometimes people just need a visual catalyst to get their mind going, so looking at porn is pretty arbitrary. It's just to get his imagination flowing.

Second, and I know I don't know ANYTHING about you guys, but from what you tell me, it sounds like you guys may have some communication issues. If you've been together for a year and a half and have never really had arguments, that's not necessarily a good thing. It sounds like you are both wayyyy too scared and worried about what each other thinks and you guys need to be honest.

There's nothing wrong with him liking porn and there's nothing wrong with EITHER of you finding others attractive, you're in-love, not dead.

You guys just need to have a few serious conversations and let out anything you guys are holding back...if you're gonna get married, you better know everything about each other.

I've never heard of that whole testosterone thing though, so I can't really comment on that.

[dreamer06]

Thanks for your advice. Your comments kinda helped me see it from a new perspective, which helps a lot. Especially since they're coming from a guy. I feel somewhat better about the issue now, but still kinda have some doubts.

As far as the communication thing goes, that's really never been an issue before, and it's not why we haven't had any arguments. We are both almost exactly the same, and have mostly the same opinions about things, so there hasn't really been anything big we've disagreed on before. We're both very blunt, honest people so usually we let one another know what we are thinking. This has been the first time that communication hasn't gone so well. We have completely conflicting ideas on the issue, and when we discussed it, it wasn't exactly at the most favorable time or place so that kinda affected things a little.

[RockerGuy]

Glad I could help

[Ðanisty]

You can't blame him for your own insecurities. If what he's telling you sounds irrational, it's probably because you've unknowingly backed him into a corner where he feels he has to say whatever you want to hear.

[hissexybaby]

i have felt the same way with my fiance'. he constantly has to look at porn sites and it makes me uncomfortable as well. so trust me you're not alone. it does seem kinda odd that they have to look at that stuff if they already have someone who is already there and would be on the side waiting for them. but just remember you're not alone.

[Ðanisty]

It's not odd. Masturbation is a personal thing and a totally different experience from having sex. Trust me, my hubby and I have sex all the time, but I still have the desire to fantasize and masturbate because that's something I don't have to share with anyone. It's time by myself, with myself.

[RockerGuy]

Originally Posted by Ðanisty

It's not odd. Masturbation is a personal thing and a totally different experience from having sex. Trust me, my hubby and I have sex all the time, but I still have the desire to fantasize and masturbate because that's something I don't have to share with anyone. It's time by myself, with myself.

Very well put. It's just simply not personal at all. The only way I'd start worry, is if he keeps masturbating and your sex life goes down drastically. Then maybe something is off. But if your sex life is a vibrant as it always is, I wouldn't worry.