Is this partner for me?

[metoo]

This is my first post - I've just joined this forum. I'm in need of a second opinion.

I recently got engaged with a single mother of a 15 year old. Everyone gets along great for the most part. Not too long ago, 3 weeks ago or so, my fiancee and I got into a fight. It all started when she felt that I invaded her space by showing up unannounced to her home. I on the other hand, felt that it was ok for me to be there since she gave me a key to her house. We don't live together, btw.

Anyhow, she was irrate that I didn't tell her that I was going to show up to her house, and she made the comparison that it was on equal terms if she would skip letting me know if she was going to go out with friends without letting me know. I disagreed with that comparison and refered to it as comparing apples and oranges. She then told me that I shouldn't feel comfortable in the house because I dont live there (despite her wishes for me to move in with her). She kept saying that "this is not your home, you have your own house". She went as far as saying, "what you and I have is just a fantasy. we'll never be together".

I didnt have a reply to any of these statements. I didn't know how to answer them. I thought I was doing right by her to feel comfortable in her house since the plan is for me to eventually move in. After a couple of minutes, I gathered my thoughts and asked her why she is saying these things to me. Her direct response was, "I dont want to talk about it. you're depressing me." Obvoiusly, that was not a good enough answer for me, so I kept pushing for an answer. The more I asked for an answer, she refused...it escalated to where she was screaming and ultimately asked me to leave her house because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I really wanted an answer, because this reaction shocked me. I begged for an explaination and she replied with, "I don't want you in my bed. Go home!" She ran to the garage door, opened it so that I would get in my car and drive back home (we were already in your PJs).

My first reaction was: "ok, this is it. i'm not wanted here. I'm packing my things and I'm leaving" So I started pulling my stuff from the dirty laundry and drawers; whatever belonging I had laying around. And still, I was insisting on an answer as to why she's doing this. She seemed to be shocked that I took my stuff because her reply was, "oh, i see how you do things. this is what you always do - runaway. you're taking your stuff" This was absolutely confusing to me. I left, and promised never to come back again. She yelled, "i dont care. leave."

I just went home after that.

3 days later, she comes to my home and asked me if we could talk. I agreed. She drove me to a nearby park and told me: "I have a problem. I have a drinking problem and I need to stop. Also, I'm very angry at men. I was even thinking that I should just end it all by killing myself. I want to get help because I have alot of demons that I haven't dealth with." She continued, "but for me to do this, I need your support. i still love you and I want to work things out between us."

My feelings for her are very strong, and of course I want to help her. I agree to doing it. She went to a therapist (yay!) to do something about her situation, and find out something. Apparently, her therapist told her that she drinks because she is trying to compensate for her medical condition. She suffers from an enlarge blood vessel in her brain, that causes her to have seizures and memory loss. I've taken her to emergency for this before. So, her biology seems to be using the alcohol to supress the epileptic symptoms. The therapist advised that if she really wants help, she should seek proper treatment and not use alcohol to self medicate.

So...she didn't stop drinking, because apparently now, that's her salvation from her medical condition. She promised that she wouldn't drink on weekdays, and cut it down to weekends only. That didn't last a week. She complained that she was having nightmares and couldnn't sleep well...she wouldnt' function well at work because she didn't have a restful sleep the night before. Somehow, she convinced her son to allow her to drink on the weekdays. She even lied to me once that she didn't drink, and asked me to get her a bottle of wine.

It doesn't end there. Her son is in his teenage years, and he's been a handful now that he's discovered that youth is golden. He's clinging on to popularity and he's determined to maintain popularity no matter what. So he's gone through the piercings, the messy hair, questionable friends, lousy grades, guilty by associations, etc. you know, teenage stuff we all went through. But recently, he approached his mom and told her that he was thinking about joining a gang. She wasn't very pleased with what she was hearing, but her response was: "ok, let's have an open discussion about this. why do you need to do this?" The son explained that he was doing it for protection, and that the gang doesn't use weapons (guns, knives, etc). But they do have an initiation where they gang up on someone to see if they have what it takes. However, because he's such great friends with people in the gange, they are going to bypass the initiation part.

My faincee asked for my opinion on this. She wanted me to have a talk with her son about it. Coax him into not joining. But my reply was, "hold on. I dont' think I can do that. Where's his dad? I think he should be the one to say something about this. Your son will simply tell me that I'm not his dad and dismiss whatever I have to say, because in all honesty, if that boy were my son, i'd give him a straight "hell no. you're not joining no gang. end of discussion". But she wants an open forum to discuss everything because to her, he's a very reasonable, smart young man. So we had differences on how to deal with this issue.

That's where we're at today. Right now it feels like things are getting worse and worse. Not only do I have these things to worry about, but also I have to worry about helping her out with her mortage too. I have my own mortgage to worry about, but since her ex-husband doesn't help her, her income cannot cover the mortage. I hate to say it, but she couldn't afford that home when she applied for the loan, yet she got it anyways (part of the problem that put the US in the mess we're in now).

These are the things I see, and I'm very concerned. Mostly because I don't like to think that I"m a quitter and if I quit on her, i will feel like less of a man that I couldn't handle it. On one hand I think back at how my folks struggled to give me a better life, therefore I shouldn't spit on that effort by going through unnecessary struggle. On the other hand, they struggled for us (me and my siblings) so that we can have a better life, which I'd like for my fiancee and her son to have.

I am really torn about continuing with this relationship or ending it to pursue other endeavors. Not that I have further plans. My plans started and ended with her.

Can anyone offer any suggestions...

[bubble]

Ths is a really difficult situation you have got yourself into. You obviously love and care for her, but are distressed by her behaviour.

My only advise is to look after your needs as well. If it gets too much for you, and you see no way out, perhaps you should end it.

Good luck..