Any Advice?

[lovemark04]

Hello, well, my name is Christina. I'm 19, and my husband is also 19....I know what ur thinking, so young right?.....but dont flame me because I honestly feel that age has nothing to do it. It's whether or not your mentally and emotionally capable to handle a marriage and a lifelong commitment to one another. I mean, u have 50 year old out here who AREN"T READY FOR MARRIAGE yet....come on, you know a few of them, bcuz I know I do.......

With that said.....

I love my husband dearly, but there's so many issues here. Anyone is welcome to post and give me advice....it's all greatly appreciated....I'll start from the beginning.

My husband (then boyfriend) cheated on me in Dec of 04. It wasn't a sexual relationship....it was more emotional. I know for A FACT he didn't sleep with her.....but everything else on an emotional aspect was done....I hope u understand what I mean. Anywho, during this time I was pregnant, I found out a few days before I out he cheated on me, I didn't tell him because it was close to Christmas and I had set up this elaborate way to tell him and the whole family during christmas dinner.

When I found out he cheated on me, I told him right then and there....unfortunately, a week later after the bad news, I miscarried our child...which was even more devestation on my wrecked heart.

I didn't leave him, because before I told him I was pregnant, he told me why he cheated. 'Because I had become a different person, I was yelling and fussing at him all the time, I would cry for absolutely no reason, I had gotten lazy and would sleep all the time.' Which is all true, and the reason for all that of course were the pregnancy hormones. I was yelling, fussing, crying, and sleeping all the time because of the pregnancy hormones and any pregnant woman can tell u that those hormones are a BITCH!! Therefore I could say I could understand why, not that it's a valid reason...but I could UNDERSTAND it, u know? After I told him I was like that because I was pregnant, the look on his face was pure shock and regret, hurt, and sorrow.

Fast forward to now....

Well, yes, we got married May 18th 2005. And now, the relationship is GREAT when it's good, but HORRIBLE when it's bad. I trust him, but I'm still having problems forgiving him..not to mention, I'm slightly blaming him for the lose of our child....(I know it's not the right thing to do, but I just cant help but think if I never had so much stress on my heart and body that I would've kept the baby). Sometimes I start thinking about my lost child and start bawling my eyes out, then next thing I know, I'm thinking about when he cheated on me and we start fighting.

I mean there's so much strain on us right now too, a lot of the reason why I start thinking about the lost baby is because we're having trouble conceiving again. I lost that baby over a year ago and I haven't seen a positive pregnancy test since then. So we're both frustrated about that. I mean, dont get me wrong, we love each other dearly...he's my heart, but relationship is so blah right now.

We dont make love anymore, sex has become for tring to conceive purposes....although not intentionally...that's just what it's become.

Basically, now that u know some background, all I'm really asking underneath it all is some advice to get things back the way they were....how to spice up this marriage and help return the spark that once was there.

Any input is greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[margaritagirl]

Hey Christina! You don't have to worry about being flamed here . I think you're a very strong young woman to go through what you did. I want to ask you about his cheating. Was this a co-worker? A friend? Also I think that it will be very difficult to love your husband unless you can forgive him for the miscarriage of your child. If you attach blame to him, then there is no way you'll be able to have a loving, lasting relationship. Forgive him for his cheating, talk to him more, and try to create an atmosphere where you can live and learn from each other.

[lovemark04]

You know what...I dont really know what category I can put her in. She wasn't a co worker. Actually, she was our next door neighbor. She lived 8 houses down from us. We didn't really know her because she moved in about 2 months before he cheated with her. She wasn't really a friend obviousy because we didn't know her.....well, she wasn't MY friend....but obviously she was his lol. But no, I do understand that I have to forgive him for that...it's hard...but I'm working on it..I really am.

By the way, thanks for the reply...I thought this was just going to be a dead topic lol

I appreciate the response.

[aikoreverb]

I say stop trying to make a child right now. Stop it. You two are already not getting along and theres no point in bringing a child into this situation especially on purpose! It's really wrong to try to conceive a child right now in my opinion. You don't want this kid growing up without one parent because of divorce. You don't want this kid growing up in a home full of arguments.

I can bet you dollars to donuts when you get on birth control, everything will settle back down. You need to make love without all that hanging over his head! Get back to the basics. Stop trying to move so fast. Like YOU said you're only 19! My husband daughters lived here when they were 14 for a year of school. They went back to their Moms and both got pregnant. They're almost your age now, both have babies to support, both are not with the fathers of their babies, both are scraping and struggling. One of them was intelligent and honest enough to tell me what I'm gonna tell you right now:"I sure wish I could be a kid again. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but I wish I'd have listened to you and Dad and waited before I had one. It feels like my freedom is gone forever!"

As the product of a broken home, I beg you to please put off trying to conceive until you have a solid relationship/friendship between you and his Father. Please?

[f28699]

i really dont know what to say other than a child now is not a great idea i have 2 now and probably will not get to see tham as much as i want because my wife has decided that while in Iraq that she wants a divorce from me and your situation seems about the same as mine minus the miscarriage because i am 24 now and my wife is too but have been together 5 years almost lack 19 days before 5 years we knew each other before that have been married 4 and this is our life all over and i dont want you to end up like us possibly but as far as chaeting goes i dont know what he did but if he didnt sleep with her unless it was some type of physical then he really didnt cheat unlike my wife who slept with a friend of mine and i still stayed with her and have made our life better since but now while i care for the children she wants to leave me and take them no one should ahve to go through that.

[Froldt]

Looking back, when I had problems with my relationship, I realize that it was because I had become selfish. I had started thinking about myself more than focusing on her. I quit doing the little sweet things for her, and let the spark die down.
I've heard that a relationsip takes 100% from each side. You can't expect to meet halfway and it succeed.

Also, communication can not be over-emphasized. I know that you always hear it, but that doesn't make it any less true.
Talk to him. Is he feeling the same way that you are? Make the time for you two to spend time together. Remember when you first started dating and could just talk about anything? He's your best friend, and together you two can solve anything, but you have to work together.

Don't let the focus of your relationship be sex. You fell in love with, and married him, not him-as-your-baby's-daddy (or so I assume.) Take the time and effort to get back in touch with the man that you fell in love with, even though he's changed over time (cause we all do.)

Those're my suggestions, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.