No More Passion?

[footballfanatic]

I'm in a marriage right now that makes me wonder what marriage really is. Let me give you some background info.

We were married young. My wife was 25, I was 22. We both come from very stable, very loving families. The wedding was beautiful, and that's where the happiness ended. The wedding was January of 2004.

My wife feels more like a roommate than a life-partner. We get along fine, know how to keep the other complacent, and that's about all there is. We rarely fight and are always polite to each other.
There is NO passion; negative or positive. We were both virgins when we got engaged and we look forward to sex. But when our wedding night and honeymoon came she seemed completely disinterested. In the year and half of marriage she's expressed sexual interest about 9 times. I will go months upon moths with no sexual interaction at all. I tried to talk to her about it, and she expressed that she prefers me to initiate intercourse.

But when I do, she gives me the cold shoulder; "I'm not in the mood right now." I don't get upset when she says this because I don't want to be the "selfish husband." So I wait. I wait for any indication that she'll be interested in sex. It never happens.

Although we are both busy, it isn't a lack of energy or time that keeps us from making love. I'm a loving husband who works around the house, balances school and work, and generally try to be romantic.

I've discussed this with her many times, but she just can't seem to want to make love to me.

As of the last few weeks, I've just become angry. I've been patient hoping that perhaps everything would work itself out. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So now I'm just upset and angry.

In case your wondering, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, or undesirable. I am fairly fit and work out frequently, so I don't see how it could be a lack of sexual attraction.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't want a divorce, but she is so uncommunicative and unresponsive. I know that I can't live like this for much longer...

Originally Posted by footballfanatic

I'm in a marriage right now that makes me wonder what marriage really is. Let me give you some background info.

We were married young. My wife was 25, I was 22. We both come from very stable, very loving families. The wedding was beautiful, and that's where the happiness ended. The wedding was January of 2004.

My wife feels more like a roommate than a life-partner. We get along fine, know how to keep the other complacent, and that's about all there is. We rarely fight and are always polite to each other.
There is NO passion; negative or positive. We were both virgins when we got engaged and we look forward to sex. But when our wedding night and honeymoon came she seemed completely disinterested. In the year and half of marriage she's expressed sexual interest about 9 times. I will go months upon moths with no sexual interaction at all. I tried to talk to her about it, and she expressed that she prefers me to initiate intercourse.

But when I do, she gives me the cold shoulder; "I'm not in the mood right now." I don't get upset when she says this because I don't want to be the "selfish husband." So I wait. I wait for any indication that she'll be interested in sex. It never happens.

Although we are both busy, it isn't a lack of energy or time that keeps us from making love. I'm a loving husband who works around the house, balances school and work, and generally try to be romantic.

I've discussed this with her many times, but she just can't seem to want to make love to me.

As of the last few weeks, I've just become angry. I've been patient hoping that perhaps everything would work itself out. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So now I'm just upset and angry.

In case your wondering, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, or undesirable. I am fairly fit and work out frequently, so I don't see how it could be a lack of sexual attraction.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't want a divorce, but she is so uncommunicative and unresponsive. I know that I can't live like this for much longer...

Hrm. You can take care of yourself. After a while she may become more interested or this may backfire on you. I don't know the details, but if you live close to her parents, you might want to think about moving 4-5 hours away at least. Sounds a little bit like she never grew up as a person. Once again, I don't know a lot of details.

[DJRome]

It seems as if she's very young. I hate to say it but she may be cheating on you. A woman her age should be near the peak of her sexuality. Not wanting to copulate is very strange since her body should be craving it most at this point in her life. This would also explain the inexplicable disinterest in you. Unfortunately, there's not really a solution but confrontation. Do try to seek professional counseling, but there's really not much I can tell you without more specific facts.

[Boston®]

I doubt she is cheating on you since you said you were both Virgins when you got married. If your fairly positive of this fact, than it may be that she is uncomfortable with ehr body. A lot of females find themselves unattractive and are then unwilling to show it off, even with ther soul mate. Just giver her constant reminders about how you find her gourgeous, go out of the way to make her feel special, she'll eventually feel better about herself.

[cowgirlup]

That's really a tough situation you are going through! I would suggest you guys try and see a professional counselour who may be able to resolve some of these issues if talking isn't helping...

[freakypunkdixie]

I was the same way. I didn't wait that long tho. What got me was me and my boyfriend do this thing we call "grinding". There's no penatration involved at all. Alls you got to do is rub your **** on her clit and make motions/thrusts that you would you if you were in intercourse. Remind her sex does not need to be your cock ramming into her pussy. Just tease the damn woman sometime. Being romantic isn't all. You got to make her want you. Constant kisses on the neck and ears. Fondle her. Caress her body. There's so much to sex and people act like sex is just bumping uglies when it's not!
I swear it's not. If you really want to get a good look at grinding, I might be able to talk my boo bear into it and get him to tape us "grinding".
HUH baby how's it sound? We gotta help this poor couple out.

[stilzkin]

When you guys did have sex was it meaningful or did it seem like she wasn't engaged in it?

[tidalecko]

I found a study for you which may help. Those whole article is not relevant, but this part looked especially useful:

Originally Posted by http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/6448/

Only 42 per cent of the men studied correctly realize that a wife’s attitude toward sex relations and her fear of pregnancy are usually the ruling causes of feminine unresponsiveness...

...The study confirms that this mistaken attitude is quite common today: that the burden of responsibility for a happy sex life rests mainly on the husband and is almost always dependent on his patience and his skill. The truth is that a bride comes to marriage usually even less well prepared than the groom. Unless she has an attitude of willingness and a desire to learn to express her love to him, his knowledge and skill are of little avail. Her inhibitions are not caused by him; they are already present in her attitudes when she marries him. . .

I hopes this helps. I completely understand your frustration. It looks like you already anwered this question, but I need to make sure for sake of clarity: are you able to sit down and talk with her? Will she also talk with you? If no, then you should work with her on building communication skills. Various forms of counseling can aide with this. If yes, have you fully expressed your feelings to her? Is she aware of the position you are in, and how frustrated you are?

All in all, I seriously doubt you are doing anything wrong, and I commend you for seeking help and making solid efforts at preserving your marriage before this problem goes on any longer. I believe many problems in relationships are either directly or indirectly a result of miscommunication or a serious lack thereof.

I feel compelled to help you, and I do hope you keep us updated.

[HighlyCaffeinated]

If you were both virgins it could be that you just haven't found out what really pleases the other yet. She probably does have hang ups. Staying a virgin until marriage is one indicator. She may think it is dirty and feel ashamed of wanting sex, so she denies those feelings. It might also hurt if you don't take enough time to get her going first. Maybe she has hormonal imbalances. She might be afraid of getting pregnant. She might be all of these things combined. Make sure you don't make every touch about sex. That is one thing that is a serious turn off, if you contantly feel "pawed" like every embrace is going to turn into an attempt to get laid. When you do attempt it start out slow, I would recommend finishing yourself off first so you don't feel compelled to jump on her, and tease her until she asks you to give it to her. Keep that up for awhile and see what happens. You can also get some how to books from your local barnes and noble or whatever. Think of it as an adventure rather than a terrible issue between you.

[dan_f]

That sounds just like my relationship... married for 20 years.. married young...although i was far from a virgin when i married. She is the same way... it's as if she loves me... but not IN love with me, if that makes sense. I have tried everything but she has no passion. I can relate totally to that and will keep watching this thread for some answers. I've never cheated but the idea has come up lately because of this.. Once a month is a good month for me. lol.