You might be surprised to know the number of people who come to couple’s counseling complaining that the spark has gone out of their relationship. Then again, maybe not. Perhaps you are experiencing the same thing right now. It is important to know that what you’re experiencing is normal.
Your relationship definitely doesn’t need to remain where it is, nor should you assume it’s time to end it. Yet experiencing a loss of that once hot spark is something that happens to almost every couple at some point.
When Relationships Are New
Here at Relationships & More, we have done a lot of couple’s counseling, marriage counseling, and individual therapy in our Rye, NY office. We can tell you from first-hand experience just how common it is for couples to lose that spark.
The spark we all speak of is little more than the emotional excitement that accompanies new relationships. You meet someone who makes you feel alive. That person stimulates your mind and touches your heart like no one else. The two of you spend every waking moment together. Things are fresh. Things are new. Every day is a sunny day with a full dose of love in the air.
So what happens? Life. There comes a point in every relationship at which life interjects itself. And because life is not perfect, its interjections are often poorly timed and inconvenient. Life’s responsibilities get in the way of spending time together.
When the relationship was new, you were content to temporarily set aside responsibilities in order to be with your partner. But now, those responsibilities are still there. They still have to be attended to.
If your relationship culminated in marriage, one of your biggest responsibilities moving forward may be children. They are a responsibility you cannot set aside for later. If you have children, they need your attention every day, all day. Then there is your job. You also have a house to maintain.
You Get Used to It
A good way to summarize losing the spark in your relationship is to simply say that you get used to it. In other words, your relationship gets comfortable. It becomes a lot like a pair of old sweatpants that fit well and feel good. You don’t much care that they are stained and a little ragged because you only wear them around the house.
Many couples eventually reach a point of treating their marriages the same way. Things get a little dirty, but the dirt is neglected. It eventually becomes a stain. Likewise for that small tear in the seam. It gets neglected until it becomes a huge, gaping hole.
Figuring Out What You Want
If this sounds like your marriage relationship, ask yourself what it is you want out of that relationship. Figuring it out is the first step in deciding how you will move forward. Of course, your spouse has an opinion, too. The two of you should probably sit down and talk about things.
It is possible to get the spark back by changing things up a bit. It’s also possible to continue doing what you’re now doing and being content with a comfortable relationship that fits well. You and your spouse could even decide to go your separate ways. Whatever you decide to do, understand that the choice is ultimately yours.
It is normal for couples to feel like their marriages have lost that initial spark. Just about every couple eventually comes to that realization. It is really what couples do in the midst of that realization that determines how they move forward.